First, let me say that in my evaluation, I realized that I don't do a very good job modeling how to be a good friend. Whatever my excuses are, be it shyness, my husband's job, intimidation or whatever, it still means that I have a lot to learn and grow in these matters.
Secondly, what I have figured out is that, as parents, we tend to teach our children the easy parts of friendship, the parts we feel most comfortable with. For instance, we teach them how to share and how to be polite, make sure they know not to bully others and so forth. Almost how to reciprocate friendship but not how to initiate it.
Initiating friendship is where my heart has led our conversations over the past few weeks. By initiating, I am talking about looking for others who may not have a friend. Seeking out those girls in class who never get asked to sit with the others or who may never get asked over to play at some one's house. They aren't the girls we moms normally want our children to gravitate toward. We, I believe very consciously, push our daughters towards the girls who are pretty or well groomed. Girls who seem to be popular with the other girls. If you don't think this is true, how often have you asked your daughter about playing with a girl who might not be so popular? Do you ever encourage her to reach out to the girl who doesn't get invited to other people's house? Do you encourage her to sit with someone besides her best friend at lunch or are you just thankful that she has a best friend and you don't have to worry about it.
I believe our girls learn from us as moms. So, the questions naturally have to turn to us and our friendship practices. When I am in a group setting, do I stick like glue to the women I know or do I look for that mom who may not know anyone in the group? Do I go out of my way to make conversation with the mom who I know feels uncomfortable here or do I stick close to those who make me feel comfortable? If we moms don't have a heart for loving others well, how can we expect our children to do so? If we don't practice esteeming others as better than ourselves, how will our children learn to?
It would have been easy for me to have a pity party with my girls as I listened to their friend issues, and trust me - I really wanted to, but I have a job to teach them that this world does not revolve around them. Society wants them to believe it does. Satan sure wants them to focus on themselves. But, God's Word teaches us something totally contrary to this self-centered worldview. In Romans 12:9-16, Paul teaches us how to behave like a Christian. He says:
"Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another . . . distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. Bless those who persecute you . . . do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble."
And in Philippians, he tells us . . .
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
So, when my girls want a shoulder to cry on, I will be there to cry with them for a bit, but then the time comes to teach them how to focus on others rather than themselves. We have to start with God's Word when giving them instruction and then find a way to apply it to our life. Here are some ideas on how to overcome the hurt of rejection through thinking of others.
1. How about you ask someone to sit with you who never gets asked.
2. Why don't you ask someone over to the house who rarely gets invited to others' houses.
3. You can make a card for someone else in the class who has had a bad day.
4. No matter what, always show kindness with your actions and your words, even when it's hard.
5. Pray for those who have hurt your feelings and repay unkindness with kindness.
6. Give thanks to God that you have a sister, because she will always be your friend!
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