confessions of a

It's easy for me to write about the convictions God has given me the grace to wholeheartedly submit unto His will. Not so easy, is strength and courage to write about my struggles with convictions I have yet to submit to. The ones where I say, "I hear you, Lord, but I think I can handle this one."
Last week while I was making my 3rd apple pie for Thanksgiving, my 7 year old daughter summed up her struggle, as well as mine, in the words I have admitted to my Lord, but have not submitted to Him. She looked at me and unashamedly said, "Mom, I'm kind of addicted to food."

For over a year now, God has convicted me that my love for certain foods, specifically chocolate and sweets, is a sin. Not because it is wrong to eat them, but because I have allowed the desire for these foods to consume my thoughts and control my actions for years. In the past, the easiest way for me to deal with my overwhelming desire for chocolate or sugar was to abstain. This has worked for awhile, but I fear it has only treated the symptom of a problem, not the root issue. Yesterday, I tried again to treat the symptom - and God stepped in. Take a look!

Before Thanksgiving, I decided I needed help getting off the extra pounds I gained back from my short lived diet plan this time last year. I know that the root of my problem is sin, a desire for something to satisfy my desires other than my God, but as usual, I thought that part of my issue can wait. For now, I just need to loose a few pounds and then we can deal with the heart issue. So, in I went to a Weight Watchers meeting with a girl I met at Chick-Fil-A. The meeting was on a school morning for only 20 minutes, so I took baby W with me while I listened to a small group of ladies discuss their plans on how to eat in moderation for the holiday. I decided that day that I needed the extra accountability of weighing in each week to help me and made a mental note to go back to the meeting the following week to join.

The following week was yesterday and I made sure to arrive early so that I could ask my questions before handing over the wad of cash I had in my purse for a 10 week commitment. I made my way to the front desk where an older lady greeted me with "May, I help you?". Another lady looked up, the leader from last weeks meeting, recognized me with my baby in tote and asked if I was here to join. I said "yes, I plan to, but want some more information". She immediately said, "I'm going to have to ask you to sit in the back of the room this time", meaning for the meeting. I was a little confused because I was just wanting to get more information about the program before joining, so I gave a confused, "What?" She quickly replied, "Your baby was a distraction last week." I was still a little confused and wasn't expecting this at all and gave another confused reply, "Really?" Quick on the draw again, she replied, "Yes, some people commented. So you need to sit in the back so that you can slip out if he gets to be a distraction."

Okay, I can admit that Baby W is loud and can definitely be a distraction. But he played with Play Doh and made baby noises, not cries or anything that lasted longer than a second. I know when to take him out of church or school meetings and do so very quickly. But, we were at a meeting were everyone was talking and interacting. And all the ladies around me kept saying how cute he was and even played with him. I was taken way off guard. So much so that I waited a few minutes and then walked out with no one saying another word to me. I went to my car and cried - for 30 minutes in the parking lot. Just cried thinking about the ladies inside who didn't want me there and how I had a plan to loose weight and now what was I going to do.

And then, in the quietness of my car, I could hear God softly, gently speaking to me (when he should have been yelling after all the times He has spoken this to me!). I could hear Him saying, "Daughter, You don't need a weight loss program. Your problem isn't food, it's sin." I'm talking out loud now through the tears, saying, "I know, God, but I don't know how to deal with it any other way. Please help me!" And He did. At 5:00 this morning, He woke me up calling for me to come and spend time with Him. I honestly, in my head, was saying, "I hear you, God, but don't you know I'm tired, I haven't slept in a week." And then I knew. I had to get up. Not out of some Christian duty or item to check off my list for the day. But because I had sin to deal with and grace to experience and a God to "taste" this morning - before my little distraction woke up!

I'm still not sure exactly how to deal with the sin and put it to death for good, but a good friend gave me some resources months ago that I think will help. Here they are in case someone else has struggles like me too!